


Monsters

by Cait_frost_11



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, im sorry I'm not in the greatest place right now, romanogers if you squint turn your head and read upside down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 11:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11230290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cait_frost_11/pseuds/Cait_frost_11
Summary: There was no way in the world she deserved life when she had taken it away from so many others.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry for writing this. Idk I'm just not doing great rn I was fine all day but at the moment I'm not sure. I guess I just need sleep. 
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!! PLEASE READ TAGS!!!

The Black Widow was a murderer. An assassin. A monster.

 

There was no way in the world she deserved life when she had taken it away from so many others.

 

"F.R.I.D.A.Y." She called out to the AI in control of the building.

 

"Yes, Agent Romanoff?" The Artificial Intelligence answered, as it was programmed to do.

 

"Please turn off all surveillance to my room and lock the doors," Natasha requested calmly. "Don't let anyone in, under any circumstances. When they really need to get in, they can break down the door."

 

"Done, Agent. May I ask why?"

 

"No, you may not."

 

Natasha sat down at the desk and scribbled out a note. More of an apology, really.

 

_Hello there guys (and Wanda). I know you are probably going to hate me by the time you're reading this. You're definitely going to hate me. Thank you for giving me so much as an allusion of what happiness and freedom and heroism feels like. But I can't keep going on like this. Pretending that I can make a difference, that I can make up for what I've done. You are all the true heroes. Loki told me something a while ago, and I tried not to think about it until I couldn't keep it back any longer in the past few months. I can't wipe out the red that I've created. My ledger is permanently stained. Nothing I can do here helps. I'm a monster. I deserve this. I love you all.  
~Natasha_

 

She heard the team pounding up the stairs after her, and she quickly set to work. Pulling her jacket off so she was in just a black fabric tank top, she sunk to the floor directly across from the sealed door. From the strap at her inner thigh, she drew a small knife. Good for close combat. Easily tore through skin.

 

She centered the knife straight in the crook of her elbow, and dug in deep, pulling downward towards her wrist. She bit down on her lower lip, willing herself not to shout from the pain. The blood poured out, dripping down her arms, into her lap, onto the floor. She did the same thing on the other arm, blood pooling around her as they screamed her name and begged her to open the door.

 

A foggy feeling came over her head as the loss of blood began to pull her under. The shouts from the hallway became muffled, and the view of the door faded out into darkness. The feeling was gone from her legs and hands. No more blood meant no more circulation.

 

"Natasha! Nat, please! Tasha! Nat?"

 

The cries from the hall nearly disappeared, and she heard the faintest noise of what seemed like the door being broken down.

 

The last thing she saw in her dying eyes was her team, her family, running towards her and falling to the ground beside her with anguished looks plastered on their faces.

 

Clint, Steve, Wanda, Sam, Rhodey, Tony, even Vision. They were all there.

 

At least she wasn't alone forever. At least someone was there.

 

Even monsters deserve company among family in their last moments.


	2. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes family is enough. Not for a permanent help, but just enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hey I'm doing much better than I was when I wrote the first part of this, so I wrote a second chapter. This sort of fixes ch. 1.

Quiet beeping steadily grew louder and louder as the room came through into consciousness.

  
Natasha slowly opened her eyes and blinked, confused by the bright light and loud noises.

  
"Tasha!" Clint jumped up from the right side of her view and grabbed her hand gently.

  
She looked around the room and saw Tony sitting to her left and felt him tenderly place a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Red," he whispered.

  
Sam, Vision, and Rhodey were standing along the far side of the wall. Steve sat at a small table, writing on a wrinkled piece of paper. Wanda curled up on a short couch by the wall, trapped in a fitful nightmare-plagued sleep.

  
Natasha looked around the hospital room, trying to remember what happened. The searing pain in her forearms brought back the events from right before it happened. Her arms were wrapped with gauze, and she could feel that there were stitches lining the cuts she had made in her despair.

  
And then everything came rushing back.

  
They stopped her. Couldn't they understand that she shouldn't be here? That she should be gone? That she needed to be gone?

  
"Please, Nat," Clint said. "Never do that again. Ever."

  
"You scared us, Natasha," Sam scolded. "You've been out for three days. We aren't sure you were going to wake up."

  
"Why did you do this?" Natasha moaned, furious that they wouldn't let her go.

  
"We love you, Red," Tony answered.

  
"You shouldn't," the redhead retorted. "I'm a mons—"

  
"We read your note, Nat," Steve said, speaking for the first time since Natasha woke up. "We understand how you view yourself, but you need to really see who you are. To us, to the world, and then you can look again and see who you really are. The Black Widow is what you are, not who you are. You are Natasha Romanoff."

  
He stood up, and walked over to her bed, leaning over to kiss her forehead and dropping the wrinkled piece up paper in her lap, and sat back down.

  
She opened it up, and began to read it.

  
It was her note, but changed. There were words and phrases crossed out and replaced, changing it from a last letter of desperation to a booster of self esteem and worth.

  
_Hello there guys (and Wanda). I know you are ~~probably going to~~ ( **could never** ) hate me ~~by the time you're reading this~~ ( **at any time** ). You're ~~definitely~~ ( **never** ) going to hate me. Thank you for ~~giving me so much as an allusion of~~ ( **being there while I experience** ) what happiness and freedom and heroism feels like. But I ~~can't~~ ( **can** ) keep going on like this. ~~Pretending that~~ I can make a difference, ~~that~~ I can make up for what I've done. ~~You~~ ( **We** ) are all the true heroes. Loki told me something a while ago, and ~~I tried not to think about it until I couldn't keep it back any longer in the past few months~~ ( **it isn't true at all** ). I ~~can't~~ ( **can and will** ) wipe out the red that I've created. My ledger is ~~permanently stained~~ ( **nearly wiped clean** ). ~~Nothing~~ ( **Everything** ) I do here helps. I'm a ~~monster~~ ( **hero** ). I ( **could never** ) deserve this. I love you all. ( **And you love me** )  
~Natasha_

  
Natasha blinked back tears.

  
"I'm sorry," she apologized, giving way to the tears sliding down her cheeks. "I am so sorry."

  
Wanda had woken up from her nightmare, and after she caught her breath from the fright, she moved from the couch and delicately sat on the edge of Natasha's bed. Steve followed her lead, carefully squeezing himself beside Natasha and soothingly stroking her fiery hair. Sam, Rhodey, and even Vision joined them at the bottom of the bed, and Clint and Tony moved from the chairs beside the bed onto the mattress. The whole team sat with her, unmoving for hours, just being there.

  
And being there was enough. Not for ever, not permanently. But for the time being, company and family were enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Better?
> 
> Just to clear up any confusion, in the note Steve changed, the crossed out words were what Natasha wrote, and the bold parentheses were what Steve rewrote.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, super sorry.


End file.
